#198 "Incident In The TSA Pat-Down Lounge"
I'm an innocuous flyer. I buy my ticket online, show up on time, find my seat, and do sudoku for the entirety of the flight (number puzzles calm me). I'm nice, and bother no one. Yet, I've often been treated badly by TSA agents as I've gone
through airport security, or in one of their spontaneous training exercises designed to make flights run late and people miss their connections. I've been yelled at, frisked, zapped with radiation, and looked at
as if I were an opposing boxer and they were trying to dominate and intimidate me to get an edge in the fight. I'll go through a scanner, take my shoes off, and even reveal whether or not I'm wearing boxers or briefs, but I think the
TSA could be nicer about it all.
Maybe instead of random pat-downs, they could give ramdom massages and whisper encouraging things in the lucky passenger's ear. They could hand out complimentary bottles of water
after security to replace the ones you had to throw out beforehand. They could help people with bad backs tie their shoes, and people with no arms to put their belts back on. If you're picked for a strip-search, they could offer a complimentary
hot-tub afterwards, or an upgrade to first class. They could have an
agent standing near the checkpoint exit shaking hands and saying, "You've cleared security—thank you for being an outstanding human being."
The only pleasant part while passing through airport checkpoints in America is when the customs agent says, "welcome home." Compared to the treatment by the TSA, this feels like an "I love you." Any move in that
direction by the TSA would make flying a little less like hell. As for the aforementioned fantasy frills, why not? They need to do something, or act in a way, that shows we are not cattle, but customers of the airlines and airport, and American citizens
whose tax dollars put roofs over their heads and food on their tables.
I'll even take a high-five and a "dude, you're not a terrorist, thank you so much for being cool. Enjoy your flight!"
I can dream.
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Crusted Salt comics by Jimmy Brunelle