#214 "Dating Exposures"
Please dear wife—I'll do anything. I'll walk on my knees from here to the Vatican. I'll give my body a thousand paper cuts and bathe in rubbing alcohol. I'll watch all 1065 episodes of The Lawrence Welk Show in a week.
I'll expose and jiggle my man boobs at Muscle Beach Venice and have sand kicked in my increasingly jowly face. I'll drink two large cups of Del's frozen lemonade in one minute and have a stroke from a massive nasal freeze. I'll
read the terms and agreements of a thousand softwares and websites and die of a brain shutdown. I'll put mustard on my Cheerios and
sugar on my steak. I'll run 26.2 miles without any Bodyglide® lubrication and give myself eternally chafed inner thighs and unstoppable bleeding nipples—
DON'T LEAVE ME AND SEND ME BACK
OUT THERE AGAIN!
Keep me close. Keep me safe. Keep me sane. Don't make me have to go back through the hell mouth and into the torment-filled inferno of the dating scene. Please. I beg you. I'll do the Tide Pod and cinnamon challenges while car surfing. I'll
sit down when I pee. I'll...
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Crusted Salt comics by Jimmy Brunelle